i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
