and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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