You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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