Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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