you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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