Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
