high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
