i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's blow job season.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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