There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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