You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
