Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
