He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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