Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
