Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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