Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
