you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
you made out with another girl for some wings
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
