I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
