dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
