Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
