Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
