He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
