so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
