my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
