Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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