I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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