Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Your penis caused this!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
