Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
