I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
