somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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