I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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