Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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