Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
