So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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