I wish my penis had an off switch
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
