my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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