The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
