TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My balls are so social today.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
