First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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