Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
