Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there's paper in my vomit.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
