i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
