2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Sober January is a disaster.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
