Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
