Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
