There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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