I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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