Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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