Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
