i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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