I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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